Well the sun is shining today, its crisp and cool...just a beautiful fall morning.
I just listened to a song on U Tube entitled The River. It's a wonderful song, so full of grace and who God is. And another one with the words, Your love makes me sing. That is so true, the love of Jesus makes my heart sing... I often feel this longing inside to communicate thru song. It's passion inside that I cannot explain...

Lord Jesus, I need to meet you at that River. I need you more than ever. You lead me beside the still waters and you restore my soul. I need to meet u there. Nkay

It's another rainy day. But rain is not a bad thing, aye? After several dry years, it's a wonderful thng to have that wet stuff comin' down. It is kinda tough tho, when your husband has been wishing for work and then when he finally gets work, it rains...!

I have to take my dog to the vet this morning. She has a problem with her eye. I declare that dog is gonna break us yet! I had no clue to the upkeep of these little creatures...

She came to us as an 8 weeek old doll, and I mean doll. You never saw such a cutie in all your life! We imediately fell in love with her, and she began to take over the house. lol I crate trained her and it took forever. A lady kindly informed me that Shihtzue puppies are hard to train. O boy, this little rascal is a Shi Poo. But we kept on and I think got the job done. Notice I said "I think."

One thing, I have not yet figured this out...how come this dog has to go out so often? People inform me they only have to go out twice a day. Well this little thing goes out a lot more than that! And yet we can be gone all day and she waits till we get home. But I have tried to be stubborn and not take her out so often and then guess what, accident time! Any suggestions would be helpful...

My husband has taught her several tricks. She stands on her hind legs and twirls, rolls over, speaks, and plays dead(kinda). Oh yes and she shakes your hand and licks your ear when you tell her to give you a kiss! I have tried to teach her to pray. Well I'm not such a good teacher or se doesn't want to pray, I haven't figured out yet. But I ask her if she's a Christian and she always says yes! lol

Oh yes I must mention she hates her bath. All I have to do is start running the water n the utility room sink and she hides under the table etc. We laugh at her, cause it's so funny.

She has this thing about flip flops, dirty socks and gum...Yesterday I found a pack of cinnamon gum on the floor again. Each piece was very carefuly chewed. I suppose she is just really concerned about her breath....lol ! And along with that is tissues. They seem to be a favorite.

I'm kinda looking forward to the day when she grows up . Or do dogs grow up? Well maybe mature a little? Whatever happened to that vision I had of a calm lap dog? Somehow Sophie has yet to fit into that "calm lap dog" catagory. Instead , she's a wild little thing...!

But all in all , she has stolen our hearts. My husband especially. She goes crazy when he comes home from work...

This morning I took my son to school and then headed over to the church where my SS class was going to watch a DVD by Beth Moore. It's the first one of a new series for us, so was kinda introductary. I have been feeling a little low the last while, and this morning was no exception. The message by Beth touched my heart and I think I cried most of the way thru it. I came home somehow feeling loved and understood by God.

I think it is one of the hardest things about depression, to face the fact that you are not always understood. How can others understand? I'm not blaming them, its just so hard to go the road alone. Don't get me wrong, my church family is wonderful. They love me . But there is nothing like depression to make you fell alone, even among friends and you tend to withdraw. And then all it takes is a few remarks like , "Just don't think about yourself" or "Get out and do something for someone else." Or here's a good one, " get out and get some exercise.." ha...and what about "selfpity...?" And then the all out classic when you don't know what else to say, "Just give it to God."

Now understand, I know God cares. But why do you feel so far from God when you struggle with depression? I know what it's like NOT to be depressed. I don't have to TRY to feel God when the cloud is not there. He is just REAL to me. I don't have to make an effort to "not think about myself" when the heaviness is not there. I don't have to force myself out of the bed in the morning, I just get up because ...well I don't know why...I just get up cause I want to without even trying to want to! Now how can you say it's just because I am thinking about myself?

Well , one thing I have learned. When I feel it coming on I don't wait as long as I used to to go and get help. Because the longer I wait the worse it gets and then the door does swing wide open for self pity, rejection, etc. And at point, I don't need that to deal with yet! I do have wonderful friends who will listen and pray for me. And sometimes it seems that helps more than anything. Because believe me, blaming yourself and feeling guilty for being depressed isn't gong to get you anywhere. I have been there and done that... But the real catch here is finding that true friend who you trust to not get tired of you. That is one of my biggest fears. Will they think , "Oh no! not this again!" Or will they say, "It's ok, we will stand in the gap for you." And then they remind you that you have been doing much better compared to 5 years ago. "You don't stay down as long as you used to, and you have come a long way. You will get thru this!"

And then there is the joy when it lifts! Did you ever know the sun can shine so bright? And why does it lift and how? Well, to tell you the truth, I don't always know. And it has changed alot over the last several years. I have also learned to ask God where did this start? When did I start feeling the darkness again? And then sometimes I can pin point it a little as to when it began. And it does not always have to be earth shaking circumstances that bring it on. Sometimes just things we all face from time to time. And at this point I often have to talk to someone about it. And this is where the fear and shame comes in and the enemy says things like, "You should be able to handle this yourself." Or, "Look at these other Christians, do you see them asking anyone for help?" "they probably think ..." and the list can go on and on. But as I ask myself, What does God think, I realize its not Him that is accusing me. And often I get these pictures in my mind of Jesus, and He is so gentle...He NEVER tells me I'm BAD because I'm feeling down and because I need someone with skin on. But I struggle with that fear of people thinking I am asking for help out of self pity...

Remember the story in the Bible when 2 men were calling out for Jesus and the people around them told them to be quiet? That really hit me me. How bad do I want to be healed? will I cry out all the more like these two men did? Does it matter what people think?

So why do I struggle with depression? I don't know. Will I ever know? Maybe on the other side of Jordan? But I suppose by then I won't care...
Nkay

Dear Blog,
I have never blogged before. But on the other hand, there is a first time for everything, aye? Well here goes.

I am a wife and mother. I have a daughter who is married, and a son and daughter at home. My husband is a self employed builder and contracter.

I love my family. My oldest daughter and husband have been married a year and a half and live out of state. My second daughter lives at home and has work in housecleaning. My youngest is a boy and he is in High school.

I was the only girl in my family, with 5 younger brothers. I loved them all dearly, but always longed for a sister. I would dream of what it would be like to dress a little sister in pink, and put ribbons in her hair. So when God blessed us with 2 little girls, I was thrilled. Out comes the pink! Out come the little white shoes and the ribbons! Then 5 years later we had a boy. I love to tell my son how special he was to me. After 2 girls in pink I did not realize how much fun it would be to have a boy in blue! So now it's little hats and blue jeans...only 14 years later it is not "little" hats and blue jeans, its football player size!

I am a lady of hobbies and many loves. I have a camera glued to me at all times. I like to sew. I love to raise flowers and enjoy making flower arrangments with things I find in my back yard. I enjoy facebook and hold my friends very dearly. I love to sing and love my church family. I love to worship God who is my maker, my Redeemer and friend. I love to laugh and have fun, and sometimes just be goofy. I am also a perfectionist, and therefore can be a real procrastinater, cause the time is never quite right! I love a good book, and love a good day of "shop till you drop" with friends.

Speaking of being a perfectionist, it definately has it's negative. You would think if I was a perfectionist, I would always have everything done and in tip top shape, right? Thats really crazy, because it doesn't work that way for me, altho I've seen people who appeared to be like that.

I also have dog. Her name is Sophie and she really is interesting, to say the least. Sometimes I love her and sometimes I wonder at my sanity in ever going to airport to pick her up...
Nkay