This morning I took my son to school and then headed over to the church where my SS class was going to watch a DVD by Beth Moore. It's the first one of a new series for us, so was kinda introductary. I have been feeling a little low the last while, and this morning was no exception. The message by Beth touched my heart and I think I cried most of the way thru it. I came home somehow feeling loved and understood by God.

I think it is one of the hardest things about depression, to face the fact that you are not always understood. How can others understand? I'm not blaming them, its just so hard to go the road alone. Don't get me wrong, my church family is wonderful. They love me . But there is nothing like depression to make you fell alone, even among friends and you tend to withdraw. And then all it takes is a few remarks like , "Just don't think about yourself" or "Get out and do something for someone else." Or here's a good one, " get out and get some exercise.." ha...and what about "selfpity...?" And then the all out classic when you don't know what else to say, "Just give it to God."

Now understand, I know God cares. But why do you feel so far from God when you struggle with depression? I know what it's like NOT to be depressed. I don't have to TRY to feel God when the cloud is not there. He is just REAL to me. I don't have to make an effort to "not think about myself" when the heaviness is not there. I don't have to force myself out of the bed in the morning, I just get up because ...well I don't know why...I just get up cause I want to without even trying to want to! Now how can you say it's just because I am thinking about myself?

Well , one thing I have learned. When I feel it coming on I don't wait as long as I used to to go and get help. Because the longer I wait the worse it gets and then the door does swing wide open for self pity, rejection, etc. And at point, I don't need that to deal with yet! I do have wonderful friends who will listen and pray for me. And sometimes it seems that helps more than anything. Because believe me, blaming yourself and feeling guilty for being depressed isn't gong to get you anywhere. I have been there and done that... But the real catch here is finding that true friend who you trust to not get tired of you. That is one of my biggest fears. Will they think , "Oh no! not this again!" Or will they say, "It's ok, we will stand in the gap for you." And then they remind you that you have been doing much better compared to 5 years ago. "You don't stay down as long as you used to, and you have come a long way. You will get thru this!"

And then there is the joy when it lifts! Did you ever know the sun can shine so bright? And why does it lift and how? Well, to tell you the truth, I don't always know. And it has changed alot over the last several years. I have also learned to ask God where did this start? When did I start feeling the darkness again? And then sometimes I can pin point it a little as to when it began. And it does not always have to be earth shaking circumstances that bring it on. Sometimes just things we all face from time to time. And at this point I often have to talk to someone about it. And this is where the fear and shame comes in and the enemy says things like, "You should be able to handle this yourself." Or, "Look at these other Christians, do you see them asking anyone for help?" "they probably think ..." and the list can go on and on. But as I ask myself, What does God think, I realize its not Him that is accusing me. And often I get these pictures in my mind of Jesus, and He is so gentle...He NEVER tells me I'm BAD because I'm feeling down and because I need someone with skin on. But I struggle with that fear of people thinking I am asking for help out of self pity...

Remember the story in the Bible when 2 men were calling out for Jesus and the people around them told them to be quiet? That really hit me me. How bad do I want to be healed? will I cry out all the more like these two men did? Does it matter what people think?

So why do I struggle with depression? I don't know. Will I ever know? Maybe on the other side of Jordan? But I suppose by then I won't care...
Nkay